I do not deserve her
by martment
Summary: Whilst Lisbon dated Pike, several thoughts penetrated Jane's mind. One-shot from Jane's point of view.
**Hey guys, this is my first piece of writing for this site. It is basically the POV of Jane whilst Lisbon was dating Pike, that is, from 6.16 to 6.22. In the beginning it even goes before that. It does not enter the AU territory but displays Jane's feelings. Hope you like it. Feel free to criticize any point you disagree with or highlight any grammatical error but please review. I would then know if I should write other stories. Thanks!**

 _ **I DO NOT DESERVE HER**_

Pike was everything Jane wasn't. He was not an arrogant, manipulative, cold, mean hearted person. He planned carefully for the future. Jane was just the opposite. Apart from being devious, he never planned anything for the future. He would just let things happen. He would use his brains, his intelligence to get by. In his own words, 'plans get in the way of instincts'.

He did not stop Lisbon from moving ahead with Pike because he thought she deserved such a person. Jane had only caused her trouble in the last 12 years. She should get better than that. Moreover, he didn't think he deserved her. She had always stuck out her neck for him, supported him, trusted his decisions. But most importantly, she had helped him heal. At least to a certain extent.

After or during a Red John case, Jane would be miserable. He tried to hide it, even succeeding most of the time, but there existed sadness in his eyes that would otherwise be concealed from the eyes of those who didn't care to look. But she did. Not only during a Red John case, but at all times. She saw it but could not do anything about it. There was nothing to do about it. She could never understand the pain he was going through or rather the enormous amount of guilt that weighed him down. She had felt the pain of losing a loved one, but had never experienced guilt of this sort. Yet she could see the scars of suffering etched upon his face that would otherwise be hidden by expressions of mockery. She could see his shattered soul in his eyes while everyone else believed in the smile he impeccably faked.

The only thing that could get him better was his family. But they weren't there. And he didn't even believe in the afterlife to have him the contentment of knowing that they were in a 'better place'. She could not give him back his family, but what she did give was something close to a family. Her friendship and her care. She never pushed him too far, knowing he had built a wall inside him that would repel any affection coming its way. Her care was of the right quantity. It would suffice to make him feel cared for by someone. But the same wall prevented him from seeing that she was offering much more than friendship. He may have even seen it, but he was in denial. He feared that he would lose focus and deviate from his goal. And he could not let that happen.

After he killed Red John and joined the FBI, he still had that fear inside him. However, this time it wasn't about losing focus, but about being in a relationship again. In the past 12 years, he had alienated himself from the world, living a life devoid of the love he felt for his wife and daughter. His love for Lisbon, on the other hand, was hidden. Like inside a box. He would search for the key everyday but would be unable to find it. At the end of each day, he would wonder if he really wanted to unlock that box. If he was ready to unlock that box. He couldn't decide.

Then she met Pike. He gave her what she wanted. Love and commitment. He used to do everything to make her happy. He was perfect. Jane saw this happening but stayed quiet. His dilemma stopped him from acting. He desperately wanted to be with her, but fear and doubt inhibited his actions. He would look at them, all happy and would wish she could be the same with him. But how could she? He could never give her what Pike was offering. At least he could not promise to do so. He was an ex-conman who had got his family murdered due to his arrogance. He had no regards for rules or feelings of others. He wasn't human anymore. He had lost a part of his humanity with his family. He wasn't sure if he could get that back.

Seeing Lisbon with Pike would cause uneasiness but he could not blame her. She was tired of waiting for him. She wanted someone willing to offer her a life and a future. And Pike made that clear when he asked her to move to DC with him. It was a big step, one that she was willing to take. This showed how much she had longed for love and affection, preferably from Jane. And when she didn't receive it from him, she welcomed it from another person. One thing that she failed to understand was that the care and trust Jane had in her was the most he could give at that time. He was a shattered man, trying to rebuild his life. He had lost love in all forms yet he was still standing there, although weakly. Amidst this, he chose to trust, care and value her. It was the most he could give. But he could not blame Lisbon entirely. She was a woman after all with certain desires of her own. She hadn't gone through something as horrible as him to understand his point of view.

When he discovered that she was moving to DC, he became miserable. But then, the last 12 years of his life _had been_ miserable. He was on the verge of losing someone he loved and he could not seem to do anything about it. But he was Patrick Jane. He had to do something. Ergo, he re-opened a cold case just to make her stay a little longer. It would give him time to think. It was a long shot. He could not do anything in so many weeks, how could he achieve it in days? But he was willing to do anything. When she discovered about his little tick she was furious. She left immediately and agreed to marry Pike.

Seeing her go was like seeing his last ray of hope disappear. He would never see her again, may be never talk to her again. He had severed the bond of friendship he shared with her. It was the only bond he had valued. He had once seen his whole world fall apart before him and there was nothing he could do, except to watch it happen. And it was happening all over again. But he could not just sit there. He had to act. He had to tell her how he felt. Not to make her stay, but because she deserved to know the truth. After everything she had done for him. He was still full of doubt but could not wait anymore. He wanted to unlock the box he had hidden for so long. He wanted to have a future, a life with her. Even if he didn't get that, he wouldn't regret not saying anything. He was already full of regrets. He could take no more. The gravity of his past, that had held him back for so long was proving to be ineffective at that moment. He wanted her to know that he cared for her, trusted her above everyone else and that she had made him a better human being. He could not let her go without letting her know that he had fallen in love again, and it was with her.


End file.
